Reframing with younger women

Two customer service emails I received over the weekend. I was slow at responding, yet there were a couple of good questions in with the customer service emails.

[NAME RETRACTED]
Alrightythen – you clearly have a ton of good stuff, and I appreciate you distilling your experience and sharing with us all.

Hi “B”,

Thanks for your emails. More than anything I am glad you are taking control of your life and setting your expectations. As for the flow of the site, I am open to suggestions. I tried to keep the material in some type of logical progression, though a lot builds on previous concepts.

As for the “buy me a drink” response I think you were referring to “No, you don’t understand, I am not attracted to guys” and the line was “Look, if you want to talk to me, buy me a scotch and you will have my undivided attention.” Yours said with a little sarcasm is perfect, and I may use it.

Now to a part that really interested me. You were looking for content around “…were leading into something about reframing with younger women so you did not get put in the ‘old as my daddy’ box.” and I feel this is a great topic for discussion.

The hardest part about trying to teach these attitudes and frames is trying to explain frames in a written or verbal context while frames are actually mental constructs primarily focused on feelings.

In my material, I touch on these frames a lot – but still in a piece by piece way. I think you were looking in either Cocky and Funny material where there are several great lines for “reframing a girl” into the proper state to see you as a lover. I also have some good examples in the Pattern Interrupts and Embedded Command sections. And you can use a good line that conveys Alpha and fun to help her see you as a lover.

Something like:

Her: “How old are you?”

You: “How old are you?”

Her: “19 – how old are you?”

You: “Damn it.”

Her: “What?”

You: “I only date girls that are 18.”

And hold this frame – she doesn’t qualify as she is too old.

When I first started learning to understand frames and limiting beliefs, I would go try to set up a situation where I could use some form of a great cocky & funny line to demonstrate that I was “Alpha” frame or at least sexually worthy frame. What I realized is by thinking I had to put myself in a situation where I felt I had to demonstrate “I was worthy” my initial contact was that of “I don’t believe she will see me as worthy so I must prove it.” And this is the energy she feels first.

This is flawed thinking, but is a great topic: i.e. “put in the old as daddy box”.

Let’s take this one as a limiting belief and reframe. If you are thinking “how to get out of the old as daddy box” or even “not to be seen as old” you have the wrong frame. Your initial energy is one where you “feel” too old or you are scared of being seen as too old.

Now, reframe it. Ask yourself:

Who says she doesn’t like older men?

Maybe your superior experience and “I know more than you” attitude is what she is looking for.

Then just assume the frame – Young women love older men or Young women love me.

As men, we paint ourselves into little boxes way too often. Most guys will try to pick a “way” of presenting themselves so that the girl will see what a catch he is and fall head over heels in love with him – or at least fall into his bed. The problem is once he tries to present himself in a way so that a girl will see him as a catch his mind is automatically saying “[he] you aren’t a catch”. And that feeling is a feeling she picks up on from the start. No matter what he is saying the underlying energy is one of “I don’t feel worthy, therefore I will try to prove I am worthy”. That is to say, the guy doesn’t want to blow it with this girl so he feels he has to TRY to be liked. They don’t want to risk failure by being powerful or expressing their true desires.

And this is why so many people fail. By not wanting to risk the perception of failure.

Why not pick a frame that is more in line with what you want?

Personally, I just know she is going to like me. I know she will feel sexual attraction to me. No matter how old I am, as long as she is 18 then she will feel charged around me because I am that guy.

And what if she doesn’t?

Oh no! I guess all this mental stuff sucks. It’s all crap and NEVER works.

Seriously, some girls just aren’t going to like you. Most girls don’t even meet my minimum requirements, so regardless of how much they do or do not like me I am not interested. I am extremely picky in what I want, and I am not trying to get laid. Rather, I am simply trying to see where, if anywhere, they fit in my life. Which usually sets up the frame of me teasing them, but letting them know they don’t quite meet my standards. Which places a lot of girls in the situation of trying to win me over – which is exactly the frame I set when I told the girl “I only date girls that are 18.” If she is even a tiny bit interested she is going to try and convince me that “19” isn’t any older than 18.

So stop even thinking about if or why you don’t qualify, just assume you do and give her the opportunity to prove she is worthy.

“Also like some pointers on logistics and how to set expectations properly up front so nobody gets the mistaken impression they are getting me exclusively.”

I know most guys don’t see the world through the frames I do, which is why so much of my material is about what is going on in your own head. Let’s reframe this – setting expectations. Asking this question implies to me you have a fear of doing it in such a way that you might “scare the girl off.”

What if you did it PURPOSELY in a way to initially scare the girl off? How do you think that would change the dynamics of the energy you communicate?

To me, it would just be a natural continuation of me qualifying her.

I see many men who see an attractive woman and BAM – that’s it. She is the one. But for me, there are multiple steps that must be passed. And when she feels your energy on you qualifying her she is likely to feel more attraction to you.

As a side note, I helped build some large telemarketing sales teams. 99% of the people that came through training, regardless of what they said, were scared of being told “no.” That a customer wouldn’t like them, or be rude, or yell and hang up on them. This is the same fear men have during approach anxiety. So for my teams, after training, their goal was to call 75 people a day for 3 days, explain the offer and how it could help their business, then get the potential client to tell them “no.”

And guess what happened. The pressure of getting to yes had been removed. The sales guides were trying to get to “no” so they started qualifying potential clients more. This naturally lead to the clients wanting to learn more and start qualifying themselves as to why they deserved the product. Almost ever person that tried to get 225 “no’s” over 3 days ended up selling several clients.

The only real change was the fear and energy the sales person brought to the interaction. And this initial energy is what will set you apart as an Alpha.

My favorite question (energy and frame) is “Are you bisexual?” But this isn’t a pick-up line, this is a real qualifying question just like “Do you have AIDS?” If you do have AIDS, I am not going to sleep with you. And if you aren’t bisexual, I probably am not going to sleep with you either.

This is my real frame. I meet other women in front of my girlfriend and ask the new girls this question. If I am alone I still ask new girls this question. It is a qualifier, and I really don’t want to waste my time with a girl that isn’t going to fit in my life.

Now, it may seem that it would “scare-off” most women. But this is a false assumption. Given my frame and how I ask it as very normal conversation, it tends to hit all of those internal attraction buttons women have and it demonstrates I have many attractive qualities: like balls, confidence, success, and no fear about losing her, pre-selection, etc. This tends to amp sexual tension in her and sets her up as chasing me.

It also implies “I will not be dating you exclusively.”

So with your questions, why not just tell them? You have to calibrate the girl, but I have told many women “I would try to fit them into the rotation.” Or that “I would have one of my other girlfriends interview them to see if they were worthy of a date.” I have also told girls that I felt were falling a little too fast that they should “continue to date other guys, as I am not the one. I am the guy you have fun with till he shows up.”

If you don’t want to be a in an exclusive relationship, just be upfront. And say it as a qualifier. If she isn’t good with it, part as friends. More than likely she will enjoy the challenge of trying to prove she can win you and you have been upfront with her so you can date as much as you want.

As a last note, I looked at your online profile and have a couple of suggestions. You are trying to sell yourself rather than find a woman that meets what you want. Now, I don’t date online very often however I do run a Craigslist ad from time to time and I have a couple of ads on dating sites. But everyone of my ads is looking for multiple NSA bisexual girls, and they give minimal detail about me and list a bunch of what I am looking for. Mine are more like “you must meet these requirements: X, Y & Z and it is for a threesome.” With that, if some 20 something girl catches my eye I will usually pick something out of her profile that I can “tease” about and send her an email like “You are going to hate me – I can’t believe you like that band. I think I just threw up a little in my mouth” or something like it. I immediately tell her she doesn’t qualify because of something she wrote. Compared to the 1000 “You are so hot” or “I just had to email you” I stand out. Even if she isn’t bi, she will still write back.

So don’t sell yourself, invite her to prove she is worth being with.

Happy hunting.